Winner, Winner

17 Jul 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

find some humor

Sometimes all you can do is laugh. The following is an excerpt from my book, Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver.

When he first came to live with us, the only things he asked us to buy for him were Milk of Magnesia and prune juice. He had prescriptions for stool softeners and laxatives issued by his former doctors and continued by his new doctor. He constantly complained of constipation, greeting everyone he spoke to, including strangers, with “Hello. How’s everything? My bowels don’t move.” If he did happen to go, he made sure he told them about that as well, in great detail. It soon became clear he was taking far too much of the stuff. Every day, in the morning and at midday, he’d drink a large glass of prune juice, followed by Milk of Magnesia. Often he’d wait a few moments after taking it, look at his watch, and take some more. A few moments later he’d do it again. One day, after just telling me he’d had a bowel movement, I saw him drink another large glass of prune juice and reach for the Milk of Magnesia.

“Why are you taking that? “ I asked.

“For the constipation,” he said.

“But you just went.”

“That don’t count. It was all liquid.”

That’s when I knew I had to do something. No matter how we tried to explain it to him, he wouldn’t accept that it was the laxatives that were causing his problem. The more he took, the worse it got—and the more he worried—resulting in a vicious cycle that was interfering in his normal bodily functions. His psychiatrist said that it’s not unusual for a schizophrenic to keep track of what goes in and out of his body. In his mind, solid food was going in but nothing solid was coming out. That meant something was very wrong. Once I began to limit his access to prune juice and Milk of Magnesia, and started monitoring his use of laxatives, he started showing signs of stress. He paced and muttered to himself and began making frequent trips to the bathroom where he’d sit for hours, waiting for something to happen. I hated to see him like that, but I had to ease him off the stuff. His doctor tried to help by telling him that taking too many laxatives could interfere with his other medications and land him back in the hospital. He wasn’t buying it. When I wouldn’t give in, he complained to Mike, and when Mike backed me up, he called him one of the worst insults he could think of.

“You’re nothing but a dictator! You’re another Mussolini, that’s what you are!”

Later, after Rodger calmed down and we were getting ready for bed, Mike looked over at me and shook his head. “Mussolini? Now I’m Mussolini?”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The giggles I’d been trying hard to stifle came rolling out. “The Mussolini of laxatives!” I laughed harder. “You Fascist poop dictator!”

Mike looked at me in confusion for a moment, and then the hilarity of the situation hit him and he was laughing as hard as I was. I laughed so hard I got the hiccups, and that made us laugh even more. We ended up rolling on the bed, laughter feeding more laughter, until we were exhausted.

“Oh wow, I needed that,” I said when I was finally able to catch my breath.

“Me too,” Mike agreed. “I don’t know how you do it every day. He’s so damned stubborn. I’m glad I’m not like that.”

“Right.” I poked him the ribs. “Me either. I’m not stubborn. I’m determined.”

“Yes, dear,” Mike said with a grin. “Do you think you can determine to keep loving me through all this?”

“Sure, if you can determine to come over here and give me a kiss.”

“Sure thing, Babe.” He enveloped me in his arms and kissed me, both of still chuckling.

If you’ve have a winning moment that laugh you laughing, I invite you to share it here:

And if you want to vent – Please join me in pinging on Dr. Phil to use his resources to help caregivers via creating a grant for respite care and other kinds of help for caregivers who need it most.  Send him a message at www.drphil.com

Out of Order!

26 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in Alzheimer's, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, elderly murder-suicide, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , ,

out of order sticker on my head

Wouldn’t it be nice to do just that? I know most of you can’t but it’s a wonderful thought, isn’t it?

When I saw this print I smiled. Not only at the sentiment but at the determined look on the duck’s face. And look at his stance. He means business.

“I’ve had it! I have been pushed to my limits and I’m done!” is what I see in this picture. There is no way to tell if he actually did what he felt like doing but I bet it felt good to announce his feelings to the world.

I had many days when I felt exactly like he does. I wanted to vent not only my feelings of anger and frustration but also my cry for help. In those moments I truly was “out of order.” My body was exhausted and my spirit broken.  I didn’t go back to bed and you won’t either. You can’t. There is too much to do. But, you can vent and you should.  If not here, then in private. Look in the mirror and stand like this little duck and let it out. Cry and scream if you have to. And, if you do, drop me a note in the comment section and let me know how it goes. It may just make your day.  I’m smiling just thinking about it and I hope you are too.

Dr. Phil, caregivers need your help. Please accept the Dr. Phil Challenge and use your resources and the Dr. Phil Foundation to help caregivers most in need. I’ll happily help in any way you see fit.  You may contact me directly at bcarducci@comcast.net

Caregivers, to contact Dr.Phil and add your voice to mine click on the links below.

http://drphilfoundation.org/

http://www.drphil.com/

@DrPhil

https://www.facebook.com/drphilshow?fref=ts

Holding Tight When They Are At Their Worst

25 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in Alzheimer's, care giving, Caregiving, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, looping, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , ,

when at your worst

Caregivers, you are home to the ones in your care. The place where they are loved regardless of their behavior.  For most of them you are the only one keeping them safe from themselves. You are the gatekeeper fighting valiantly against the bitter, ugly diseases that attack them every day.

Being a warrior against a foe so powerful is brutal in its demands. You probably didn’t know how hard it would be when you took in the role. Now it’s draining you. Keeping you awake at night. Taking a toll on your health because you can’t leave the house to see your own doctor. Yet you continue for it is your arms holding them tight. You are their home.

Blessed be.

I invite you to share some of the worst things you have to cope with as a caregiver. Perhaps your story will help someone else get through the day. If you prefer to be anonymous you may contact me directly via email bcarducci@comcast.net  and I will post your comment for you.

It may even help to get Dr. Phil’s attention and get him to respond to the Dr. Phil Challenge to use his resources and the Dr. Phil Foundation to provide grant money to assist caregivers most in need of help.

To Contact Dr.Phil and add your voice to mine click on the links below.

http://drphilfoundation.org/

http://www.drphil.com/

@DrPhil

https://www.facebook.com/drphilshow?fref=ts

Do Not Believe All The Things You Tell Yourself At Night

24 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in Alzheimer's, caregiver, caregiver anger, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, elderly murder-suicide, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , ,

sleepless woman

I know the voice of doubt. It comes in the night to question and criticize. It tells us we are not good enough or smart enough to do this.  It may come as a whisper or scream unceasingly. Either way it keeps us awake going over the activities of the day.

“How could you lose your temper you know he’s sick?”

“I can’t believe you said that to him.”

“How could you forget to tell the doctor about that?”

“You think you’re so smart, why is she getting worse every day?

Yes, I know the voice of doubt. I know how we question ourselves all the time. We expect so much of ourselves it’s impossible to live up to our expectations.  When family members do it we know they are full of s**t and we get angry. When we do it to ourselves we start to believe. We lose precious sleep judging ourselves harshly.

I know the voice of doubt. She whispered to me every night. She lied.  I hope by writing this post I will be able to convince you that the voice keeping you awake at night is no better than mine was.

You are a caregiver and you do not have to be perfect to do what is best for the person in your care.  And, sometimes being a little bit crazy is exactly what is needed in the moment.

What are some of the things you say to yourself late at night? Share them here. It may help you and other caregivers silence the voice and allow you to rest when you can.

I continue to plead with Dr. Phil to use his resources and the Dr. Phil Foundation to create a grant to provide caregivers with assistance.

To Contact Dr.Phil and add your voice to mine click on the links below.

http://drphilfoundation.org/

http://www.drphil.com/

@DrPhil

https://www.facebook.com/drphilshow?fref=ts

 

 

A Much Nicer Way to Say What I Was Thinking

11 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in Alzheimer's, caregiver, caregiver anger, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

open your mouth only if

Shut … the … hell … up!  That’s what caregivers would like to say. No not say, scream, when family members drop by for a short visit and begin to offer comments like this:

“She looks fine to me. Why do pretend taking care of her is harder than it is?”

“Mom told me her things are disappearing. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean it’s time to look at placing Dad in a nursing home? I promised him I’d never do that.”

“He’s lost a lot of weight. Why aren’t you feeding him enough?”

“I can’t take her. I have a very busy life. You get to stay home all day and watch TV.”

“I should have known better than to invite you! You always have some lame excuse.”

“We can’t make it for his birthday. We’re leaving for vacation in Italy that day.”

Caregivers, I invite you to share some the absurd things family and friends have said to you. Feel free to also add what you would like to have said in return and didn’t. (If responded with a great comeback feel free to share that too.)

Friends and family members – I challenge you memorize and follow the advice in the quote above. Dr. Phil, that goes for you too.

More Caregivers comment on  the Dr. Phil Challenge to use his resources and the Dr. Phil Foundation to establish a grant to help the caregivers who need it most.

steven chandler – Comment: At 52 I am now a health care provider for my 91 year old father I’ve gone through all my savings is a constant struggle my sister took all of my father’s money in 2006 he was sick at the time and she convinced him to change his will and he gave her all the money I’m here for my father 24 hours a day and If it wasn’t for me the last year and a half he would be dead. I’ve put my life on hold I put my relationship of 8 years on hold and it’s overwhelming at times

Sherri Diller – Comment: I fully agree!!  Dr.  Phil,  just take a look at the state differences that caregivers go through.  Boils my blood.  All types of government agencies claiming to help.  I have worked in a number of nursing homes and I am a single daughter,  caring for her single mom w/stage 4 alzhiermers,,  both from a dysfunctional background.  I love her dearly.  But I dont trust the system.  Your help is so needed.  My mom deserves so much more.  I am all she has.  When she goes,  I am the only one left.

Christina – Comment: Yes Bobbi, I will share your blog post. It’s so important. For some reason the word ‘respite’ goes unheard by many of those who are not caregivers.  I don’t know how many times I was asked what I wanted and I answered the same thing every time, respite hours for myself so I could catch up on sleep or just sit and do nothing. The answer was always, yes, but what else? I was even recommended to take antidepressants! Thankfully I had learned to speak up and stand up for both myself and my husband by the time that was suggested. They never mentioned it again!

As caregivers, even though we most definitely save the state money we are not looked upon as the assets we are. My conclusion to that crazy reality is that we are actually stopping the money from flowing in a certain direction that may be advantageous to some (greed!). My husband would have been in a nursing home years before his passing if I had let them take him. No rime or reason to that since that would have cost thousands of dollars per month compared to a few respite hours for me. Fortunately he never had to go to a nursing home.

Pat DiCesare – Comment: Dr. Phil, I think your audience would benefit from hearing Bobbi Carducci’s amazing and emotional story of her experience of being a caregiver to her father-in-law.

Beth Anderson – Comment – If only there could be a place to go where, at no cost to the caregiver, they could bring their loved ones to, to be cared for, if only for an hour or two. The caregiver could get a workout in, run a few errands or just sit and have some quiet time. I wish you luck in your efforts to help caregivers, but some family members have no idea what that caregiver does, how they feel, what they need or how they struggle with day to day activities. Thank you again.

****

Every 26 minutes another person in the U.S. is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or another from of dementia.  The numbers are growing every day. Help me get help for caregivers.

If I Tell You I Need Help – Do Not Take It Lightly

05 Jun 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Appreciated

Being told you are appreciated is something caregivers rarely hear. The people in their care are often to ill or too confused to be aware of everything their caregiver does every day.  Family members who are too far away or too busy with young children, jobs and everyday life often take caregivers for granted. Far too often they drop in to question and or criticize decisions that only someone who lives with these terrible diseases know enough about can make.

Yes, appreciation would be nice. But, make no mistake, it’s not why they do it. They do it because the need is there. They do it out of love. Many spend years caring for people who have abused them in the past because no one else will.  They don’t do it for appreciation but it would be nice to receive some once in a while.

More than the precious the moments of sincere appreciation caregivers need help. Don’t take my word for it. Read the following comments from caregivers responding to the Dr. Phil Challenge. (More to come tomorrow.)

Electra Posada – Comment: I am a paid caregiver, but I started by taking care of my father when he was dying from metastatic melanoma that had spread to his brain when he was 48. And yes, it was EXHAUSTING! I had one break for dinner out during the 5 months I was with him. I had to take away his keys and explain to him that he couldn’t drive any longer. I ended up having to try to feed him, but he was not eating by that time. I also had to clean out his mouth and brush his teeth when one of his tumors ruptured and gave him a massive nose bleed the night before. I was holding his hand when he died. I was 24 and not prepared for such things, but he wanted to stay home and wanted my sister and me to be his caregivers during the last 6 months he knew he had on this earth. This is just one story in millions people go through every day. We ask you to support and honor what we as caregivers do. We give a huge piece of ourselves, both physically and emotionally in order to make another person as safe and comfortable as possible in their time of recovery or facing the end of their lives. Thank you for helping us shed light on the difficult path we are called to take.

sheila hare – Comment: I challenge dr. phil to this as well good luck and hope to get answers  I work as a cna   since 93  and now  I take care of mom too she is 88 my sis lives in another state their is no one else  I work it live it  but I still love it  is my health going o yes ive gained weight again  single  who wants  a fat girl  and cant leave to go anywhere   well hopeing  he will create a spa for caregivers  we talk about this all the time calgon take me away!

Dylan Fliers – Comment: I am a caregiver and as I watched this segment of the show on it’s original air date, I thought it was completely useless as well.

Jennifer Pepera – Comment: I challenge you too!:) I am a caregiver to my 81 year old Mother.I would love to see some shows regarding this topic please.

Renee Herndon – Comment: There are too many caregivers to count, both full and part-time who give selflessly and without pay, or often any breaks or support from anyone else. You let us down and didn’t adequately represent what we go through or offer any true help or advice.

Dawn – Comment: Dr Phil … I am a single Mom of a 22 severely disabled Son requiring 24/7 care.  Additionally I work an extremely demanding job as an insurance consultant that is way more than a 40 hour work week.  My back-up is my 13 old son.  I eat right, try to get rest…we all know that.  What we need is help.  I’ve spent numerous days and hours advocating for our children with no voices at the Legislative Office Building in CT ..in an effort to get funding and assistance.  What many don’t understand is the impact it has on the entire family unit.  Please help us as you are so kind in helping others.

Tobi – Comment: I’m a Personal Support Worker and see the burnout of many family members taking care of their older parents and it is heartbreaking what they give up. I know of a special woman who has given up everything to live with her elderly parents and help them. she is also a very smart woman and knows that she should take better care of herself and she tries, but her parents are always on her mind. I think there should be a lot more education to the caregivers about programs to help the caregivers out more and make their life a little easier. I think they should be educated on the funding’s for renovations on homes to make it life easier for the elderly. Programs like multiple home care companies to come in and assist with chores and take the weight off the caregiver. There are companies that make nutritious meals and be delivered to your door. Apetito is one such company then there is meals on wheels. I think Community care should be paying more visits to the homes and talking to caregivers alone about what help they need. I’m always looking for ways to make my clients and their families life easier for them. It’s hard when you don’t know what direction to look in.

Michelle Morrison – Comment: I am full time carer of my father who has LBD, Parkinson’s. I hate how I need care yet the resources go only him the one over 65. It is a two way street. If I was not his daughter the person who baths him, washes the clothes, feeds, administers meds, etc. would expect compensation, and rest. I get advise. I get how dare you expect anything. Help those keep those with these conditions in a homey loving place not the pasture as my father has called nursing centers.

Beth Tomac  – Comment: Where I didn’t see the episode, I do agree that caregivers need help taking care of themselves.  I know this from personal experience as I was a caregiver for a 91 year old woman with early signs of dementia.  I was a live in caregiver for 2 weeks straight without being able to take myself or the woman out of the house.

Yvonne Holloway – Comment: Please help we all need a break.  I just got told by thr sister of my momI’m doing a terrible job and that I should get away as much as possible.  Yet all medical personnel tell me she should not be alone. Plus my mom says she does not need any help.

a. fry – Comment: AMEN! I’ve been there, done that more than once. 10 years ago, it was my in laws ( RIP) Right now I care for not only my ill spouse who had a stroke, is diabetic, has severe eye problems ( NOT from the diabetes) and aphasia ( can’t understand half what I say), I also have a 30 year old son who is bi polar one that I help manage his finances and health care, etc.

We share housing and costs with another couple in the almost the exact same boat. If we were not supporting each other, sharing expenses and giving each other breaks so we can at least get to the grocery store without paying for help, BOTH our spouses would be in  nursing homes! NO, there is NO covered care where we live for family caregivers. Our families ( and most of the general public) have NO concept whatsoever what REALLY goes on to spite us trying to tell them numerous times. One of our children was actually barred from the home due to stealing items, harassing for valuables and threatening us because they were more concerned about their “entitled” inheritance than whether we got proper care for our spouses.  Do NOT coddle us, smile and say how fantastic we are. We do NOT want to hear it. We want our health care system to DO SOMETHING!If I tell you I need you

To Contact Dr.Phil and add your voice to mine click on the links below.

http://drphilfoundation.org/   http://www.drphil.com/   @DrPhil    https://www.facebook.com/drphilshow?fref=ts

 

 

Not Everyone Agrees With the Dr. Phil Challenge … Many More Do

03 Jun 2015 2 Comments

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving, caregiver, Caregiving, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday, in response to my post titled Caregivers Are Joining the Dr. Phil Challenge  I received the following comments from  a man taking exception to my efforts to get Dr. Phil to help.  Presented here are his views and my responses. I respect his right to express his opinions just as I respect the comments of the caregivers that I will post as they come in. Including some at the end of this very long post.

Note: I wonder if David  realizes how many of his statements  highlight exactly why I am pleading with Dr. Phil to respond. Read on and see for yourself.

David Blair – You never were clear on what you thought Dr. Phil should have done for this woman? He obviously has a huge network of resources, but mostly for people with drug & psychological problem. After all that’s his profession. When he offers his support during the show it’s largely an effort to showcase, well advertise for these centers. And the guest gets free help as a result.  He doesn’t work with any day spas? How can you be certain the show didn’t help her financially, probably not something they would have aired.

The Imperfect Caregiver (Bobbi Carducci) – I am asking the Dr. Phil Foundation to establish grants to offset the costs of respite care. Even a few hours a week would be an enormous help for so many.

David Blair – Well, as some of your commenters pointed out – there are currently millions of people in that situation. You don’t think Dr. Phil has THAT kinda money. This goes on in nearly every family in this country.  My mom spent and amazing amount of time caring for my grandparents. I think it’s a situation many find themselves in. Families have to step up. Dr. Phil can fix a lot, but he can’t make family members compassionate if they don’t choose to be? Just asking you consider the scale of what you are expecting.

The Imperfect Caregiver – Bobbi Carducci – I hear you. I don’t expect him to fund it all. I’m asking for an opportunity to use his resources to get the message out about what it’s really like and offer SOME funding via the Dr. Phil Foundation for some in desperate need. He dropped the ball when he asked that young woman what was the hardest part of caring for her father and she said, “lifting him several times a day,” and his response was to tell her not to feel guilty about wanting time for herself. Do I think Dr. Phil has THAT kind of money? No. Do I think he can inspire others to help? Yes, I do. Just as I don’t expect him to end domestic violence himself or fix every drug addict alone. He does assist some and that is what I am hoping for and asking from him. Get the dialog and the support moving.

David Blair – I think he did use his resources to get the message out. I admit, probably the only show I watch regularly. THAT”S RIGHT! (don’t care what anyone think either.)

He’s a smart guy. Every time I’m wondering what the fu@k’s he gonna say about that? But he always says the right thing – and always a 180 from what I’d say)

Not meaning to sound unsympathetic to your cause but trying to set up a fund then try to decide (based on I don’t know what) who should get the money the logistics of which are unimaginable! Not his job or responsibility. His only responsibility is to entertain me at 3 o’clock.)

The Imperfect Caregiver – Bobbi Carducci – Thank you for your thoughts on this. Enjoy the show.

 Read More Comments by Caregiver’s Joining the Dr. Phil Challenge:

Donna Thomson – Comment: Great idea, Bobbi!  Have you written to the foundation?  Where are they based – perhaps a personal meeting or skype meeting would be appropriate.  Well done for identifying this opportunity!

doggonedmysteries – Margaret Hauser –  Comment: It’s easy to give advice when you aren’t the caregiver. I consider myself lucky when The Curmudgeon, my husband who has secondary progressive Multiple Sclerosis, is having a good enough day where I can leave him alone for a couple of hours.I can’t afford to have someone come in and give me a break. We live on his meager disability income because I can’t leave him alone for more than a couple of hours at a time. Some days not at all, depending on how bad his day is.

I haven’t had a real break in over a year. How about if Dr. Phil comes over and takes care of The Curmudgeon for a week and finds out what it is really like?I bet he wouldn’t be quite so free with his ‘advice to caregivers on taking care of themselves’ when he finds out that is not an easy thing to do when you have to take care of a home and a patient. I am not now nor have I ever been a nurse, so this is truly difficult.

Lisa Land – Comment: I am a caregiver for my 89 yr old father and saw the show as well. I wondered the same thing, why did he NOT help this girl? So many of us including myself are caregiving without an income and living off of the income of our carees, which is Social Security and is keeping us just above the poverty level. I am forwarding this to everyone I can to sign and get recognition.

Cathy Kelly – Comment: I am a caregiver for my friend and also was for his parents because there wasnt anyone else.  I am stuck here trying to get him help so I can get out. 8 years worth of ongoing stress is far too much. Help! Please! I dont want to go down with the ship.

Laura Walsh – Comment: amen to that , my husband can not be left alone, after massive stroke , bed ridden , hoyer lift to wheel chair  , canot speak or do anything for hmself  … we know what to do , but never get a chance to do it , all my energy is put into care giving and cooking and cleaning and ordering meds and doing every single need for my husband , all day long , every day , and in the middle of the night , every night … going on 4 years now !!! wearing pretty thin !!! It is almost an insult for someone to say remember to take care of yourself first , so you can take care of him , I know they mean well , but >>>>>

Jennien Seymour – Comment: well Dr Phil..unless you have given up your independence, place to live, and your job…to care for someone 24/7….you have no idea what it is like…there for you can not give advice on something you have no idea about.

Janet Ogaick – Comment: as a caregiver to my father until he passed away your advice truly means nothing what I needed was someone to help so I could have time for me time to be a mother to my 4 children time to unwind I don’t regret being my fathers caregiver he did for me and it was my turn to do for him but an hour or two a week it would have been wonderful

Carlene Reaves  – Comment: Thank you Dr. Phil for recognizing caregivers and how awesome they are. It would have been nice if you would have helped her do what you advised her to do. Much love!

Theresa Loder – Comment: as a caregiver for the past 20 years .. Parents, mother in law , and now for my husband who has many health issues, I often hear( at least once a day) for me to take care of myself..

I do my best to do that .. But it’s very hard for people not caregiving to understand the moment to moment challenges we all face.. Yes , it would be nice it someone who has a platform , to offer actual help to caregivers..

It is very hard to find any kind of respite out there..

Currently I am trying to get well from Bronchitis I picked up either in the hospital or nursing home where my husband had been recently.. He ended up with pneumonia..

This is the first time I had to go to the ER for myself .. We caregivers would appreciate any and all actual help we can receive by way of letting people know the challenges we face on a minute to minute basis. Most all of us are going to be faced with this someday… There needs to be lots of discussion about all things caregiving… Sooner rather than .  positive thoughts to all caregivers out there.. Theresa Loder

Contact Dr. Phil and add your voice to the Imperfect Caregiver challenge: http://drphilfoundation.org/  http://www.drphil.com/   @DrPhil   https://www.facebook.com/drphilshow?fref=ts

 

More caregiver comments tomorrow.

I Didn’t Know I’d Become Infected By His Illness Too

26 May 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving, caregiver, caregiver anger, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , ,

lost touch with people I used to be

Before Rodger came to live with us I thought I knew who I was. Up until that time I had a great track record of weathering life’s challenges. When faced with hardship I did what I had to do to solve the problem or adapt to the changes.  I cried and prayed often but never did I feel as if I’d lost myself.

I didn’t know I’d become infected by his illness too.

When he wandered I followed in his footsteps.  When he lashed out at me I lost my temper and shouted back only to be overwhelmed with guilt once the storm had passed. When he refused to bathe for days I’d find myself staring at my disheveled reflection in the mirror. Exhausted from lack of sleep and afraid of what he might do if I left him alone long enough to take a shower I looked, and probably smelled, as bad as he did.  Time after time we were admitted to the hospital together. Him to a bed me to an uncomfortable chair beside him. We spent days and weeks together in that place.

As he continued to fail it felt as if pieces of me were falling away too. I had to face the truth. We would lose this battle.

When Rodger died he took the person I used to be with him and left behind a part of himself and this changed and hopefully smarter me. The one writes our story. The one who would do it again for a family member if needed. The one who would not expect more from either of us than we are capable of giving.

Blessed be the caregivers, both who you are now and who you are becoming.

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Trust Yourself

23 May 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving, caregiver, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, elderly murder-suicide, nursing, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When caring takes courage

Trust Yourself

How could I do that when no matter what I did he continued to worsen?

Things accomplished one day were no longer possible the next. Memories came and went within moments. Laughter turned to tears and acceptance to anger so quickly it was impossible to know why.

Who am I describing in that passage? Him or me?

It could be either.  In truth, it’s both.

I came to finally trust myself because I finally realized I was the best person to do this, flawed as I was.  I made it up as I went along and so do you. That’s how this is done when you are juggling the love and the loss. “All at once, all the time.”

 

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Good Morning Caregivers – Just for Today

11 May 2015 Leave a comment

by Bobbi Carducci in care giving, caregiver, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, looping, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Maxine - Throw in the towel

Caregivers, just for today leave the towel where it landed. I know you are doing everything you can to maintain your home, your family, the person in your care. You do much more for others than you do for yourself. Just for today let go of every little thing that doesn’t have to be done right now.

Maybe you were taught to make your bed every day. Just for today leave it unmade. 
 Instead of cooking dinner order a pizza.
Let the dust settle on the coffee table. It will be there tomorrow.
Stay in your pajamas.
Let someone else take out the trash.

Consider the things you do automatically because you have always done them … pick at least one … and just for today let it go. Use those few moments to have a cup of coffee with Maxine and absorb a bit of her attitude. Do it just for today. Do it for you.

 

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