01 Apr 2019
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, care giving, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, Lewy Body Dementia, sandwich generation, stroke
Tags: Alzheimer's, dementia, Frontal lobe dementia, health, Lewy Body Dementia, stroke, Traumatic Brain Injury, Vascular Dementia
Mom refuses to change her clothes? It’s been four days!
Five reasons why this often happens and what may help change her mind:
- She thinks she just put them on. Days may run together for her and sometimes her mind has taken her back in time. Try telling her the day of the week and suggesting it’s time to change her clothes. “Good morning, Mom. It’s Monday, clean clothes day.” If she resists, don’t insist. Give her time to think about it. She may surprise you later by changing her clothes on her own. It’s become her idea.What is four days to you could be only moments ago to her.
- She doesn’t understand why you are trying to take her clothes from her. She is warm and comfortable as she is. She may have body issues, (don’t we all) and not want you to see her unclothed. Set out some clean clothes and walk away. Curiosity may result in her checking them out and trying them on. Again, don’t insist. Let it become her choice.
- She doesn’t remember how to take them off. Buttons and snaps are hard for her. She can’t figure out how to get her arm through a sleeve or the leg of a pair of pants. Dementia friendly clothing is available for women and men from sites like this and others: https://www.silverts.com
- She can’t tell that they are dirty. Dementia affects vision and her clothes look fine to her. People with dementia often have very limited peripheral vision. When she looks down, it’s like looking through a pair of binoculars. She can’t see that her shirt has multiple stains. Gently tell her that there is a spill that may stain and suggest she put the item in the laundry. Now she is doing something she has done many times, putting clothes in the laundry, and you are not making her change her clothes.
- She doesn’t recognize what a shirt, a pair of pants, or skirt are.Muted colors are sometimes hard for someone with dementia to see. Try laying out clothing in bright colors. Reds, deep blues, yellows, greens, and purples for instance. If her selections clash, who cares? They are clean and you have avoided some stress. Things of different shapes and sizes that move on hangers when she tries to touch them frighten her. Too many choices confuse her.
Note: These suggestions may work once or twice and then never again. Some may not work at all for you. However, giving them a try may help and can’t hurt.
If you have a suggestion for other caregivers, please post it here. Caregivers get it in a way no one else can.
Bobbi Carducci is a Certified Caregiving Consultant, CCC and a Certified Caregiving Educator, CCE. To schedule a FREE 30 minute consultation or for details on how to schedule a presentation, send and email to info@bobbicarducci.com
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31 Jan 2019
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, care giving, caregiver, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, sandwich generation, stroke, understanding dementia
Often the behavior of someone with dementia is so changeable and unpredictable it’s almost impossible to figure out what is going on, leaving the caregiver confused and frustrated. Why is your spouse confused with you and so alert when someone comes to visit? Why does your mother, who is usually calm and agreeable, suddenly become angry and aggressive? “Why do you do that?” you may ask.
Alzheimer’s and the other forms of dementia are devastating brain diseases. Connections affecting behavior and memory work intermittently in the mild to moderate stage resulting in good days where one might question they even have the disease to bad days when their world and yours seem to spin out of control with no warning.
Their brain is sending them messages as real to them as your thoughts are to you. The person with dementia is terrified. The caregiver is at her wits end. The situation can escalate and sometimes may even become dangerous. What just happened, you may wonder. Things were fine a moment ago.
Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. People with dementia may not understand your words but they do sense your emotions. If you are tense their tension will rise creating a worsening situation for both of you.
Try to determine what their behavior is telling you. Behavior is communication. Body language can speak volumes when words fail. Here are four examples of common dementia behaviors and how your response can get you from frustration to connection:
- One moment Mom is happily sharing breakfast with you and the next she is terrified of the stranger sitting across from her. No matter how hard you try, you cannot convince her who you are and that she lives with you now.
- Mom not recognizing you tells you that her brain has taken her back in time. Ask her how old she is. If she is in her thirties and you are still a child, go there with her. Smile, tell her your name and ask her to tell you about her child. Share some of your memories from that time. You may end up having some precious moments with her.
- Your father, who celebrated his retirement five years ago by playing golf as often as possible, is now demanding you give him the keys to his car so he can get to work on time. His job was important to him and was a way to show his love for his family. Tell him it’s the weekend or his day off. Ask him what he has planned for the following week and listen to his ideas. Let him know how much you appreciate all he does for his family.
- Your loved one keeps trying to get out of the house insisting she wants to go home even though she is home and you moved in to take care of her. When someone with dementia wants to go home you may think she is referring to the last place she lived. However, it could be her childhood home or the first apartment she had as a newlywed. It could be that she doesn’t feel safe in the moment and needs the feeling of comfort that being home brings to everyone. Tell her that she will be home soon and ask her to tell you about her favorite room. You may be surprised at where she is. Wherever she thinks of as home, go there with her. If you have any pictures from that time or place show them to her and spend some time listening to her stories. You may learn some surprising things about her and her life before you came along.
- Every evening like clockwork, your husband begins to pace the floor and mumble incoherently, becoming more and more upset as he tries to make you understand what he’s trying to say.Trying to understand someone whose words are incomprehensible is extremely hard. You would respond if only you knew what he was trying to tell you. The harder you both try to communicate the more frustrated you both become. You won’t suddenly become fluent in his language. In this case your words are not as important as your tone and body language. If he is agitated you need to create distance between you and speak quietly, assuring him you understand. You may not, but that’s okay. The feeling of being understood is what’s important here. Smile and nod in agreement as he begins to relax. If he sits, you sit. Mirroring his movements is communicating in a way he can see. In time you may even begin to understand one another better.
There is never an easy answer, or one that works every time for everyone. However, going into their world works better than trying to get them to understand ours.
Bobbi Carducci was a caregiver for her father-in-law with dementia for seven years. She is a caregiver support group leader, blogger, author of the book, Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver, Caregiver You Are Not Alone, and national speaker on caregiver issues. www.bobbicarducci.com www.theimperfectcaregiver.com Twitter:@BobbiCarducci2 Facebook: https://bit.ly/2FXw3JP
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03 Mar 2017
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, Caregiving, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, looping, mental illness, nursing, schizophrenia, stroke, understanding dementia, women's issues
Tags: Alzheimer's disease, Bobbi Carducci, Caregiver Support, Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver, Dr. Phil Foundation, Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinson's Disease, Senior Health, sundowning
When we hold our infants in our arms we are filled with awe and hope for the future. We envision a life of promises fulfilled. We never picture them feeding us, holding our hand to keep us from falling, or changing our underthings. I couldn’t type the word diapers. The thought of losing my dignity to such a degree is truly fearsome. In my mind I hear the words, “It’s enough to scare the pants off me.” The irony makes me shudder and chuckle at the same time.
The caregiver and the cared for locked in a fearsome intimacy. I don’t know where the quote above came from. If I did I would give credit here. What I do know is those five simple words speak a devastating truth.
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26 Aug 2015
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, care giving, caregiver, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, stroke, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues
Tags: Caregifted, Dr. Phil Challenge, Heather McHugh, respite care
http://www.caregifted.org/
byJen Hayden
Heather McHugh creates beauty beyond words.
In 2009, Seattle poet Heather McHugh was awarded a MacArthur Foundation fellowship that came with a $500,000 prize. She had no idea what to do with the prize money:
“Nobody deserves that kind of money, and I think something in me was chastened by being awarded such a big amount of money,” she said.Then, her godson and his wife had a baby with severe disabilities, and McHugh says she kept thinking about how stressful that would be for them raising a daughter who would never walk, talk or be able to feed herself.
“It was obvious to me when that baby was born that in 10 years, they were going to need a break,” she said.
And with the realization that people who are full-time caregivers truly need a break (up to 70% suffer from depression caused by their round-the-clock duties), she created Caregifted:
CAREGIFTED grants respite to long-term family caregivers, and works to greaten public recognition of their gifts to society, as well as of their historically unprecedented numbers.Full-time caregivers of the most severely disabled have sacrificed their own leisure, resources and ambitions to serve those unable to serve themselves. Such acts of love go largely unnoticed because these caregivers are generally confined to their homes, mired in unpaid labors.
CAREGIFTED offers weeks away in inspiring locations—scenic vacation spots where caregivers can refresh their perspectives and record their views in words and images, returning home better rested and represented.
A wonderful idea and big heart are all it took to get the idea off the ground. Recipients say it’s the little things during their getaways that mean the most. From caregiver Trisha Elson, a single mom who takes care of two disabled sons:
She did some whale watching and kayaking, had a massage and made herself a smoothie every morning to enjoy on her deck overlooking the harbor. In the evening, she watched the Food Network to her heart’s content.“It was the first time in many, many years that I only had to worry about myself,” she said. “I didn’t have to worry about getting anybody their meds, if anybody was going to tantrum and set anybody off. It was just unbelievable.
****
Dear Followers of The Imperfect Caregiver: I was amazed to learn of this generous gift for caregivers and of course I had to share it with you. I hope one or more of you can benefit from this gift that is nothing short of a miracle. Please let me know if you are able to finally get the rest you deserve.
Dr. Phil – This is an amazing gift for caregivers but it isn’t anywhere near enough to help all those who need it. Please use your resources and that of the Dr. Phil Foundation to help the caregivers crying out for help.
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12 Aug 2015
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, care giving, caregiver, caregiver anger, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, looping, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, stroke, Uncategorized, understanding dementia
Tags: Alzheimer's, Bobbi Carducci, caregiver advice, Caregiver Support, Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver, Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil Challenge, Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinson's Disease, sandwich generation, sundowning
Free to Followers of The Imperfect Caregiver
(US Residents Only)
Caregivers need all the support they can get. One way to increase awareness is to show the world how many of us there are, including caregivers, those who have been caregivers, and those who may become caregivers. Our numbers grow every day and will continue to increase until cures for Alzheimer’s, all the other forms of dementia, and traumatic brain disease are found. One way to do that is to display our support for all to see.
To receive a free Caregivers Are Heroes bracelet: Follow The Imperfect Caregiver blog and send a request in the comment section below. Include your name and complete mailing address. Address will not be published on this site. Requests may also be sent to me directly via email at bcarducci@comcast.net No mailing costs or hidden fees apply. This is my gift to individual caregivers. Current followers are eligible for this free gift.
Dr. Phil, we need your help! Please use your resources and that of the Dr. Phil Foundation to create a grant to help caregivers most in need receive the help and support they so desperately need.
To add your voice to mine contact Dr. Phil at www.DrPhil.com
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26 Jul 2015
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, care giving, caregiver, caregiver anger, caregiver humor, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, Lewy Body Dementia, mental illness, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, stroke, Uncategorized, understanding dementia, women's issues
Tags: Alzheimer's disease, Bobbi Carducci, Caregiver Support, Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver, dementia, Dysphagia, family stories, paranoid schizophrenia, Parkinson's Disease, sandwich generation, sundowning
Rodger Carducci
July 26, 1926 – July 26, 2009
A year ago today I celebrated with family friends the release of Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver. The day was one of joy mixed with sadness as were so many of the days I spent writing it. We chose to release the book on Rodger’s birthday to honor him and his life. I knew when I decided to share our story I would experience again all the emotions of living it. I told Mike to be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. He knew all too well what that meant. He lived it too and would have his own moments of joy and regret. However, we agreed it was important to speak the truth about what it’s really like to be a caregiver.
I was determined to be brutally honest. I included the good days, the days of precious moment of clarity and remembrance he chose to share with us. However, I also share the many moments of anger and doubt. I cry and pray and vent the frustration that comes with doing the best you can in an impossible situation for someone who sometimes loves you but far more often resents you for trying to save them from themselves.
Caregivers often asked, “Why doesn’t someone write a book that shows what it’s really like?” Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver does that. Caregivers, you know what it’s like. You live it every day. It is now my wish is to get into the hands of your friends and family members in the hope that, in reading our story, they will better understand your situation and offer to help in any way they can.
Confessions of an Imperfect Caregiver is for caregivers, those who may become caregivers, those who have been caregivers and those who may one day need care. I hope our story helps everyone understand that you don’t have to get it right every time in order to succeed and sometimes being a little bit crazy is exactly what is needed. Available via Amazon and Barnes&Noble. To purchase a signed copy you are invited to contact Second Chapter Books in Middleburg, VA (540-687-7016) or via email: secondchapterbks@gmail.com
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22 Jul 2015
by Bobbi Carducci
in Alzheimer's, caregiver, Caregiving, Dementia, Dementia, family issues, home health care, Lewy Body Dementia, nursing, sandwich generation, schizophrenia, stroke, understanding dementia, women's issues
Tags: Bobbi Carducci, Caregiver Support, Dr. Phil Challenge, Dr. Phil Foundation, respite care, sandwich generation
Someone posted the picture above on Facebook and I had to copy it and share it with you. Each night before I go to sleep I end my prayers by saying, “Show me the path you want me to take.” The road I end up on is often a lot longer and more difficult to travel than I would have hoped but I always end up exactly where I need to be. I have learned to pay attention to the messages I receive in response. Many, like this one, pop up in the most unexpected places.
On May 26, 2015 I watched a segment on the Dr. Phil Show where he featured young woman caring for her father who has had a devastating stroke. I was thrilled to see a caregiver being recognized. However, soon that feeling was replaced be deep disappointment and frustration when, instead of doing anything help her in any way, he offered her only the same trite advice caregivers know they should follow but have no means to do so.
Take care of yourself first. Get enough rest. Eat right. Exercise. Don’t feel guilty about taking time with friends.
I took a few days to cool down so I could respond without anger and on May 30, 2015 I issued a challenge to Dr. Phil to use his resources and the Dr. Phil Foundation to set up a grant program for caregivers most in need of help. You can the full text of that post here:
Dr. Phil- You Let Caregivers Down and I Challenge You to Do Better
Since then I have been contacting him regularly via his website and adding a few words to my nightly prayer,“Dear God, show me the path you want me to take. Show me the way to reach Dr. Phil.”
And what did I get on my Facebook page but a clear image of a path captioned with this message: “Change will happen because you MAKE IT HAPPEN.” #DRPHIL
I am now more determined than ever to continue contacting Dr. Phil and do everything I can to convince him to get started on the path to establishing that grant.
In order to amp up the volume I ask that you add your voice to my efforts. Let him know I am not alone in asking for help. Please go to www.DRPHIL.com and encourage him to accept the Dr. Phil Challenge. Feel free to include a link to this post.
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