The Imperfect Caregiver

Dad’s behavior is becoming more erratic as his dementia advances. His former mild manner is long gone replaced by outbursts and suspicion that come with sundowning each day.

The man you have known all of your life, the man who would never think of stepping out of line or behaving in an inappropriate manner with women, has suddenly started exposing himself to you and every other female he comes in contact with. He may express his desires in the crudest terms there are.

Shocked and horrified you may wonder, “Is this a side of him he kept hidden all these years? If so, I have no idea who my father really is.”

Or: You enter your mother’s room to say goodnight. She has thrown off her blanket and removed her underwear. Her back is to you. It takes a few seconds for you to understand what she is doing.

Your reaction may be, “Oh my god, Mom would never do that!”

Or: You arrive to spend time with a spouse in a memory care facility and walk in on him or her in a passionate embrace with one of the other residents. You are hurt and angry. Feelings of betrayal and jealousy take your breath away.

How could the one who promised to faithful until death do us part betray you when you are sacrificing so much to make sure they get the best possible care?

What is going on? How can you ever face this person? Do you even want to? What can you do about it?

Dementia is a devastating brain disease. If the part of the brain where inhibitions are stored is affected acting out sexually may happen. The libido remains strong throughout life, for women and men with dementia included. The difference now is that their brain is damaged. They don’t understand that their behavior is not appropriate.

So what are you, the caregiver, to do?

First and foremost, protect yourself. If there is any hint of danger go to a place of safety. Lock yourself in the bathroom, run to a neighbor, call 911 if necessary. Make sure you tell the dispatcher that the person acting out has dementia so officers understand what is happening and why.

If there is no danger to you or others, simply close the door and walk away allowing him or her the privacy they deserve and you the time to work thorough your feelings.

Understand that people with dementia often forget their actions as soon as they occur. It would be helpful if you could find a way to do the same. If you can’t, feel free to vent here. You are not alone. The Imperfect Caregiver has lived it and is here to help. 

For more information on sex and dementia go here: http://bit.ly/2wBy3Dp