Please Don’t Do This

I read a recent post on another social media site from a woman who said her mother was repeatedly asking why her parents never came to see her. The woman in care is elderly and her parents have been gone for many years. The advice she received from a paid caregiver made me cringe and shout out NO!!!!!!! despite the fact that I was alone in my home and no one would hear me.

I am writing today to let my voice be heard loud and clear. Don’t Do It! 

So, here’s what the caregiver told her to do.

“Take your mother to cemetery to see their graves.”

Please DO NOT DO IT.  Imagine you have dementia and in your mind you are somewhere back in time, longing to see your parents, and someone puts you in a car and takes you to a cemetery to show you their headstones. Imagine the shock and pain you would feel. The grief would be as overwhelming as it was the day they passed and even if she accepts it in the moment she will forget and start asking again.

I suggest telling her something like this, “They are away right now and will visit when they can.”

What do you think of the caregivers advice and what would you say in that situation?

DROWNING

drowning

The Imperfect Caregiver is here to be a lifeline for you. I know how hard it is every day, how alone you feel, and how you wish that someone would truly understand.

You are amazing even on the days you feel as if you failed. When things change moment by moment you can’t be expected to know all the answers or to get it right every time. Sometimes anger is the only way to get through to a muddled brain. Cry when you must, laugh when you can, and know you are not alone.

 

 

What Adult Children Need to Know About Alzheimer’s/Dementia

Prepare to Care -What Adult Children Need to Know About Alzheimer’s/Dementia Before and After It Strikes Home

What a great group I had for the debut presentation on October 8th. Right from the start these caring young adults indicated how interested they are in learning more about these dreadful diseases and how to prepare for what may be coming to their families.  The questions and comments kept coming throughout the presentation.

When I became a caregiver I knew it would be hard. But, I had no idea of how difficult it would become, how long I would be doing it, or how much it would change me.  Because of those seven years I have become a caregiver advocate. For those who are caregivers now, I facilitate a caregiver support group and I write this blog. I wrote a book about my experience caring for my father-in-law, a book that has been called brutally honest and portrays me as flawed as I truly am. I wrote it to show people what it’s really like to be a caregiver.   As meaningful as these things are to me, I want to do more to make life better for caregivers and those in their care.

 It is now part of my mission to help adult children Prepare to Care. Although we touched on some very frightening and emotional possibilities you can see from the photo below that the result was a positive one as each participant left more informed and better prepared to face the tough decisions they will be called upon to make in the future.

prepare-to-care-2

The Imperfect Caregiver is second from the left in the second row. Her daughter, who is now learning all she can to Prepare to Care, is second from the right in the second row.

While many families now provide home care for relatives and loved ones, the number is expected to significantly increase in the coming years with the aging of the Baby Boomers. According to the Family Caregiver Alliance:

  • Approximately 43.5 million caregivers have provided unpaid care to an adult or child in the last 12 months (National Alliance for Caregiving and the AARP)
  • About 15.7 million adult family caregivers care for someone who has Alzheimer’s disease or other dementia. [Alzheimer’s Association. (2015). 2015 Alzheimer’s Disease Facts and Figures.]

Employers  and civic group leaders interested in arranging a presentation to their employees can reach Bobbi Carducci at bcarducci@comcast.net.

 

I Don’t Want to Adult Today

i-dont-want-to-adult-i-want-to-dog

dog smiling

Dog vs Caregiver? I pick dog. How about you?