Or that I’m a bad person not fit to be a caregiver.
When I felt angry and resentful for the first time it was devastating. Where was it coming from? Why was it coursing through me when the crisis had passed and things were getting better?
“What’s wrong with me?” I cried and I prayed.
The guilt that accompanied those feelings threatened to overwhelm me. I didn’t know if I could go on. If I should go on. I was ashamed of myself for being so weak.
What I didn’t understand was that my feelings were normal. The anger was a passing storm sweeping away debris that had been piling up inside me. It was a way to release the stress and worry that comes with being a caregiver.
I loved Rodger very much, even when it wasn’t easy to do so, and he felt the same way about me. What mattered in the end was not the passing storms but the love that inspired the commitment I made to care for him and the trust he had that I would be there when he needed me.
I smile every time I look at the picture that inspired this post. How fitting it is for caregivers and everyone else. It applies just as well to parents and children, husbands and wives, friends, brothers and sisters, everyone we care about enough to invest our emotions in. I hope everyone I love will always know, “Just because I’m mad, doesn’t mean I stop caring.”
The Imperfect Caregiver 
Aug 11, 2014 @ 15:30:08
Good post, and I love the picture. Can I steal it (picture) to post on FB?
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Aug 11, 2014 @ 16:29:37
Sandra,
Thank you for commenting. I’m happy you liked the post. Feel free to use the picture. I found it on facebook myself.
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Aug 12, 2014 @ 15:56:31
So true. So often a caregivers feelings of guilt and love overwhelm them and things become out of seeming control. Often leading to shame and more guilt.
It is not easy being a care giver.
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Aug 12, 2014 @ 18:17:34
Thank you for your comment. As a nurse you understand this better than many.
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Aug 13, 2014 @ 21:31:43
Yes, and the last time I saw my husband alive before he died we had a big fight where I threw tomato juice on his bedridden demanding self and didn’t say good night or good morning on the way to work. I was ‘punishing” him. For being too “demanding”! – If I had known that was goin to be the last time I saw him alive I would have done what he asked. But nursing at work and coming home to nurse him had worn me to a frazzle. — It’s all in my memoir. 🙂
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Aug 13, 2014 @ 21:55:04
Caregiver burnout can make us do things we regret later. I’m sorry you are left with this as a last memory. When this comes to mind I hope you take time to recall the many happier moments you shared.
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Aug 20, 2014 @ 12:48:22
Yes, I do, We loved each other passionately and I know he had forgiven me long ago. In fact, I think the fight gave him the distance from me to actually die and leave me alone with the kids.
Otherwise he couldn’t have left when he did.. 😦
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